Aging is one of life's few certainties and sooner or later it will hit you. Suddenly you realise you can't be a kid forever and you need to start making decisions and you are now obliged to sign forms and fill in important documents like applying for your driver's licence to student finance; I can't help but feel it's all so sudden and so daunting. The becoming of an 'adult' or young adult, is very abrupt and I think it hits many of us all too suddenly; especially as I'd argue that we're not exactly equipped for it really are we? 

I've never been good at making decisions; I decide something and then 10 minutes before I actually do it, I change my mind and have this big ultimatium as whether I want to follow through and often end up blagging it or doing something totally different to what I'd prepared for. Interesting. That's just a personal flaw; whether it's shopping or school work, I'm indecisive and forgetful by nature; but I think a lot of us are and adults will one minute undermine us and treat us like the minors we are; not allowing us to make important decisions etc and then the next we have to be grown ups. I suppose it's their way of 'breaking us in to adulthood', so to speak, but I don't like it. 

My big issue at the moment is student finance and the University 'experience'. What does that mean? The 'Uni' experience; perhaps my 'inherited' cynicism is seeping through here, but surely you are at University to get a degree? If I wanted to meet new people; go on some fun nights out then I'd either just do the nights out with freshers OR I'd just go to some clubs...I'd argue that spending £9,000 (+£4,000 for accommodation), is slightly extortionate and unnecessary!? The government make student finance sound so lovely; but you are unlikely to get a half decent loan because regardless of what the government says, being £80,000 in debt with student loans is definitely going to influence your credit rating! Moreover, is it really worth it? I think I'd rather halve my loans and invest it on a mortgage, car or even travel and see the world. Some universities are so flexible with this and so I've decided I'm going to take a gap year after my A-Levels and move to Spain and Germany to work and gain valuable experience, thus surpassing my first year at University because I'll be competent enough in my language and so I'll only pay for 2 years, apposed to 4 (as year abroad for language courses), AND I will live at home and commute 20 minutes each day (okay I'm fortunate). If I get AAA/A*A*C I can earn a scholarship paying £2000 a year, meaning I could potentially walk away with only a £14,000 debt, as apposed to £80,000. 

I think we need to really consider WHY we think the 'uni experience' is an important one, what does it mean? Surely you don't need to live on campus to experience it and also are we not there to pay to gain a degree and not spend our time partying and being a 'student' (big social stigma behind that term now). 

Interesting. 

“Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us.”

It seems to be at the most ridiculous times that I get these urges to write. Although tonight in particular I'm feeling writing a little bit so than normal. 

Life is the most peculiar phenomenon; why do we exist? We've been studying genes etc in Biology and some scientists define life as being a means of 'reproduction'. Perhaps a really pessimistic way of looking at life. I'm not religious, I don't believe in a God/s, I don't believe in fate, or destiny- but I DO believe in opportunity. 

I think people's interpretations on life are interesting; here's some I've pinched from the net...

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach


To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. ~Emily Dickinson



My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. ~Ashleigh Brilliant



Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. ~Danny Kaye



Human life is purely a matter of deciding what's important to you. ~Anonymous

The latter is perhaps my favourite, because it sums up all the other quotes- life is what we make it and how we interpret it. How we deal with problems and how our dealing with them has consequences- maybe it is fate, maybe it is destiny, or perhaps it is purely our own individual decisions which we make which impact our future. But we talk about the future- we prepare for it; in fact the past 13 years I've spent in education have been based around my future. When I hit a working age, I will be dedicating much of my life to planning towards my future; a pension pot, retirement plans etc etc. When we look in the grand scheme of things, do we ever take the time to enjoy right now. To sit back and stop for just a minute, take in a deep breath and absorb everything around us and SEE how beautiful life is. Because we don't know what is around the corner. We may think that in the future we are going to see what's around the corner and we can appreciate it then, but what if we don't make it? Or what if we get there and then begin to worry about what next? 

These questions have been prevalent in my mind a lot, since starting my A-levels. My passions have been refined and I really am enjoying school. Although, whilst I enjoy it and I know that if I work hard, I will reap the rewards, there are so many days when I just want to sit back and enjoy the world. To push every little problem that floats around inside my skull and just let the slide away, put my folders to one side and just have a bit of fun. But then you are made to feel guilty "Oh you won't pass with that attitude..." but can we not take some time to ourselves. There are those moments, and I've only had a handful, where life takes your breath away, and they usually are the simplest of things. For me, my proudest moment will always be taking Shadow out for his first ride and leading the other horses home. This whole process is the norm for me; yet the sense of achievement is overwhelming and I got to appreciate the moment and in someways, the moment has never left me. It's become a part of me because it has defined who I am just that little bit more. Because it is THESE moments which shape us into who we are, and carves our individuality. 

Some view life as a big test- and at the end, our prize is dying. A totally realistic way of looking at it, albeit totally pessimistic. Life is a big test, and we forget that amongst what are in comparsion 'small tests', when we compare them to life. We can't prepare ourselves for what life throws us at; who we encounter; what we encounter- what we can control is how we deal with it. We can deal with things in so many ways. We can give up and turn around; we can cheat; we can ignore them or we simply deal with it. My mind seems to be set with the latter- I deal with problems head on, but sometimes this 110% positive attitude can have it's impacts, because years and years of dealing and ignoring problems builds up and you feel in a bizarre way, oppressed by your own thoughts, because it's the one thing you can never really escape. It's incoherent and it fluctuates and there isn't much structure to it. I think this is my problem, is that I'm far too inarticulate and far to incoherent- everything is scattered all over the place, literally and metaphorically! The problems we face build up and when they do, they reach a certain level when enough is enough and you explode- scattering everything else even further and then we're backed to the beginning again, trying to pull everything back together, but like a broken glass, it can never truly be fixed, because it's the tiny bits which are too small to see that we forget to pick up and stick back together, but even these tiny parts, can impact the structure of something so powerful like the mind. 

We value other people's interpretations on ourselves so much; especially at this horrible secondary school age. Everyone wants to be popular. It seems to be this dog eat dog world, where girls compete to see who can show the most clevage in a photo (and aptly missing out half their face, sort of emphasising that the purpose of the photo is purely for the male population), and that's fine if that is what you want to do. But I can't help but feel you are living a life for someone else. It's a lesson I've learned far too well and probably will encounter again and it isn't until I reflect back in hindsight and see 'ah yeah, that's where I went wrong.' It's really late and I'm quite tired now, but want to continue to pour these thoughts out my head or else I won't sleep much anyway! But I feel hurt by most people. There are probably 3-4 people who I could really trust, or turn to, and even still, I'm still a little hasty. People seem to hurt one another and then excuse their behaviour with their personal problems. One thing which gets me, is this constant attention seeking game which prevails throughout the internet and pretty much anywhere, the whole 'Oh woe is me', well get a grip Romeo! We all have our own personal problems, some worse than others but equally they're problems. How we deal with them brings us back to hitting obstacles. It's a lesson I've been learning at school, especially in Spanish. I've perhaps over-estimated, and over-boasted my abilities in the subject. I'm perhaps faaar too passionate about it, but actually quite arrogant. I want to study it at University and suddenly I feel I'm in a 3 horse race with 2 others. My essays in Spanish haven't been quite up to standard, and although I'm slowly improving, my grades aren't perhaps quite what I'd like and I must be honest I felt like crying. Walking out of school is a dangerous thing to me, being the loner I am, I usually walk out on my own and this is usually the time where I reflect upon my day and I was sulking because of my grade. It wasn't even that bad, but it didn't meet my aspirations anyway. I decided walkinmg out of school that I was going to not study Spanish, and I was useless and shit and never going to get better- well no I won't. Not with that attitude! It hit me that night how silly I was being and I spent a long time reviewing notes, making sure that I was confident and prepared for the grammar test. With a pinch of confidence (dropped the arrogance), and lots of prep, I managed to pull off full marks! I was really, really pleased as it was a personal best and it's made me feel more positive; but I still need to crack the essay, so Christmas holidays is to be spent working on exam technique. Sad, perhaps yes and perhaps contradicting everything else I've talked about, but I am living to enjoy a subject, well no it's not a subject, it truly is a passion. 

Life billions and trillions of organisms made up of billions and trillions of cells, which contain genes, DNA and the formula for life, whilst our genetic identities are similar, they cannot formulate the path which we choose, that's something more special which is another one of the beautiful paradoxes of life, which it hides from us. Perhaps some things are better unknown...

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

horses in the wild

When arguing or discussing or debating a point, it always seems that the point always comes back to '' but horses in the wild'', or ''i will slap my horse as a reprimand, because in the wild they do it''. I'm sure you get the idea.

Okay, so here is my question; ( bare with me, I will get to the point)I have 5 cats, all of whom are fairly young, they are aged between 16 months to nearly 3 years, and have had them all since 6-10 weeks old. We have quite a large garden and backing onto it, is acres and acres of orchard, full of rabbits, pigeons, mice, shrews etc, now, cats, being cats, love to play and catch these animals, and we regularly get, once a week, our cats bring up a deceased rabbit or deceased pigeon, and I seem to always get the delight of clearing up in the morning, as I'm the first one up. Now, this morning, my cat was trying to catch a pigeon in the garden, and missed. It got me thinking- ever since I've had the cats, they've always chased animals- like they are playing with string, but, they have never eaten them. One of my cats has eaten a bird before, but apart from that, they very rarely seem to eat their catch. Now in the wild, they would most definitely chase after it. In fact, my cats are all ( bar one) quite small and get hares double their size. They seem to have no fear of catching something their size or bigger!!!

However, when they are around us, or small children- or even in the house with my guinea pig, they do not batter an eyelid, they quite contently sleep next to Boo and they seem to be happy as larry sleeping on our laps, or ignoring my hair dangling in front of them, ( well when they were babies this was not the case!!!). So, my cats seem to respond to different things differently, they will kill, but they will not eat as though they were in the wild. They also respond to us as humans, and my guinea pig, in the domestic environment a lot differently.

Right, let me try and get to the point.So, the common excuse as to why one will get rough with a horse, is because they do it in the wild. But nearly ALL of our horses, have not been bought up in the true wilderness, they obviously have horse instincts, it's carved into their minds, but they are not truly wild animals and even with their own herds, don't behave how you would see true horses. The set up is too domesticated, as herds are generally more mixed, they are generally smaller and there are geldings apposed to stallions ( generally).So, is it right to treat horses, how they would be treated in the wild? They are not as inclined to behaving in particular ways, because they have been bought up in a domestic environment since the word go, they do learn life lessons, but really, are much tamer, much quieter etc.

Do we seek to 'horses in the wild' as an excuse- a poor one, to justify behaviour ( our behaviour) and our own. Do we seem to have a habit of using the word too much and so we end up using it to excuse and justify our behaviour.?

So, do we as horse trainers have to find an equal balance as to how they behave in the wild to how they behave in a domestic environment? My cats do not see me as their next bit of prey, nor does Shadow see me as a field companion, he does not play with me like he does his friends, he behaves differently around me than he does a horse, so do we WANT to be treated how a horse does? If we begin to start treating our horses, how another one would in the wild, do we run the risk of endangering ourselves and our role as trainers and risk getting treated like a horse, in order to be accepted in the herd?''

Right; so how do we tackle this? Is it a good response to justify actions? I'm in no way slating that these techniques are wrong at all, but should we be very careful to tread carefully on this subject. Horses of course, will go down to their inner routes, especially when in a herd/field environment, however, 99% of horses have been bought up in a domestic environment- even if turned out and left alone as a foal, they are generally bought up by domesticated horses. Like in the wild, if a horse sees a dog, or a person or something which is generally incorporated to their everyday routine, they would be inclined to the flight response. But in a domestic environment, they become desensitised to the stimulus- they accept it and do not see it as a major threat- if at all. So, should we allow ourselves to kick, punish and dominate as a horse would in the wild? Is this seen as fair, or should we know better and begin to seek a more enlightened approach? 

Quotes and what they mean to me...

I find that quotes sometimes bring a lot of meaning into my life which relate to myself. To some people they may be meaningless or irrelevant, but to me they help me to keep on track sometimes.

I like so many quotes- but there are some in particular that have more of a personal relation to me and help me cheer up and put a smile back on my face!!!

''To get the rainbow, you gotta go through all the rain'' - I believe this is said by Dolly Parton- it's amazing that these eleven words on a computer screen or a piece of paper, can have such a profound influence on my journey with Shadow- our journey and it reminds me of how lucky I am to have him as a friend and a teacher.

''When life knocks you down, you have the choice of getting back up.'' This quote is something which sticks in my mind. I've been knocked down so many times and most of the time it's my fault, but instead of whining about the problems I have, I am going to learn to get back up and solve them- try again, what do I have to lose? Complaining doesn't seem to resolve my problems, but trying my hardest to solve them does- I've learnt that crying and whinging about how hard my life is, isn't always going to be the best solution. I've learnt from my mistakes and they are no longer problems, but are just incidents that occurred on my journey- showed me what not to do and how not to do it, and it's helped shape my path.

''As one door of happiness closes, another one opens''
Shayden was and still is a very special pony to me- I messed up and spent too long pretending that Shadow was Shayden, I thought he replaced him and I thought he was going to be Shayden- he's not Shayden and he's not like Shayden was, but then Shadow has been, ultimately a wonderful experience, if not better, whilst I don't get the riding training like I could of, I've got this little 14.2 piebald pony who is wonderful in all aspects- he is a friend and a teacher and has picked me up when I've fallen and I owe it to him that no matter what happens, what ditches we fall on, what wrong paths we take- we will get back up and we will remember that I will be with him, every step of the way.

I love Shadow lots :)

Clicker Training progress

My Alex Kurland book arrived a week ago, have been reading it and slowly absorbing the information from it. I read the Rules of the Game and the rest of section one and now half way through section two and thoroughly enjoying it. It's such a concise read!

When I first began clicker training I wasn't really ready and it was unfair on Shadow's behalf- having some raving idiot who doesn't know what they're doing around a 4 year old cob who is very honest- but I'm glad he was honest, and I realized that I had made a lot of mistakes and we're back on track now!

So last Wednesday I went to the yard with a positive attitude that we were going to do it we were going to succeed, I bought the book with me and practically have the rules of shaping carved into my mind- I decided to start with a brush ( my resources are limited!) and began shaping with him touching it. I first of all held the brush out in front of him- he touched it and got a click/treat, I repeated this and then he was really getting the hang of it- so I felt it was time for the next step and I added in the verbal cue 'Touch it', this went well- he touched it when I asked and didn't touch any other time- it was really exciting and I was having as much fun as he was- it was a great sense of achievement of both of our behalves!

Step 3 was lowering the brush more and more each time- I remember reading in the book about lowering it a few inches and so I did this - et voila! He responded to it, I put it on the floor as we were by now pretty close and I asked him to touch it- he did seem to not understand, I bought the brush back up and asked again and he did it. He touched the brush and I was so happy with him.

 He was very enthusiastic, I had tied him up ( in previous sessions he was all over me) but then I realized he was struggling to reach it despite being at the end of the rope, so I moved it a little closer- being untied was the next step- well it was going to be and then I ran out of treats!!!! I wanted to cry so much!!

Yesterday we experimented with the cones I bought - I only could afford two because I'm a real cheap skate- 9 inch cones were a pound each and I stupidly thought £2 would be enough to buy like a whole pack- but there we go! I think I may have rushed him actually, and although the sessions wasn't overall bad, I think when I get back from my holiday I will get cracking- I'm going to forget the cones for moment and I'm going to solely focus on standing still at the moment, I think that's his biggest problem at the moment he's got ants in his pants and has broken the wooden tying rack several times ( okay the wood needs replacing as it's rotten), also I'd like to be able to do the fun activities with him when he's out of my space- I'd like him to back up, stand still, come forward and move over when asked- so this is what I'm going to focus on for now!!!

Thanks for reading :)

Love Amy and Shadow xxxxx

moving on and being who you are,,,

So sometimes we get that friend who thinks it's all you who is wrong, they can do no wrong and are perfect, blah blah, well nobody is perfect and we have to get on with that- much to our saddness.
I think over the past few months, I've learnt a lot of life lessons as such- how I behave, how I think, how I respond and also how I feel. I've learnt that I should trust nobody because you don't know whose behind you with a knife but also that we must stay true to ourselves and not follow the crowd. I don't want to be one of those girls who bum lick each and every showjumper, competitor or whatever on youtube and I've learnt that that isn't what counts- it isn't the list of subscribers that counts, but it's our journeys as people. I love horses so my journey is with my horse, but we're all on journeys, each and everyone of us.

So I've been wrong about many things, recently and in the past and I perhaps approach a situation in the wrong way at times- but I hate looking around and seeing all these ignorant people- or is it that I'm the ignorant person as I've got such a shallow view on so many people? I'm not sure! But I'm fed up of people treating their horses like they're machines, like they're just they're just there for the sake of, there to dominate and make submit- I've learnt that it isn't about that, I've learnt that it is actually a friendship. Do we try to dominate our friends? Should we smack our friend on the shoulder and tell them no when they stand on your foot? When they don't mean to- yes it hurts, but we've all stood on someones foot before, we've all gotten fed up and frustrated at someone because they don't understand us and we're all guilty to making mistakes- now, we must relate this to our horses, friends, family- sometimes we get mad, sometimes we get angry and upset but we have to give them respect and remember that they are not perfect! I strive and think that I have a friendship with Shadow- it may not be the perfect friendship to someone else, I don't ride him yet and we're both learning things each and every moment together, but what we've got is perfect to me!

Now, we can all say well it's my horse and I do what I like, or we're happy and it's nobody elses business- that is quite right, but everyone of us has an opinion, everyone of us has lied to ourselves ( I've done this on several occasions!) and most of us have moaned about other people. I think that having an opinion is a wonderful thing- it shapes who we are and it makes us that little bit more unique- I don't know all the answers but I equally do know some answers. We have to remember that whilst we have to take what people say on our chin and 'forget' it, it can actually be something very valid to us and help us discover new paths- after all nobody is a perfect rider- if someone thinks that they've reached their destination in a few months, then they are quite wrong- in my opinion- I believe our destination never ends because we're always striving for more. We're greedy and we always want that little bit more or want to do that little bit something- we may have done it with one horse, but doesn't mean that we've done it with each and every horse that crosses our path in our life!

But whilst baring that thought in mind, we also musn't forget who we are. We can't spend our whole lives trying to amend broken friendships when there is only one person trying, but we shouldn't hold grudges, we should just drop it and forget it - move on, it's all part of the journey and it will help us move forward. Everything that happens, happens- we can't change it and there will always be that little dent where it has been, we just have to leave it be and it will help our flowers to blossom...

Photos :)

Teehee, I love photography.